![\"THE](\"https:\/\/www.pakistanpressfoundation.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/5c27d34b22570-200x200.jpg\" "\\"THE")
This year, three fellow comedians got married too, probably just so they have more material for their stand-up. I mean I\u2019d do that too in case I think I\u2019m running out of jokes.<\/p>\n
Actor\/comedian Faiza Saleem got married \u2014 you heard it right, Danger Dadi is off the market. She was seen making a grand entrance with her Dhinchak moves on her mehndi. But I guess people wanted to talk more about Jibran Nasir for his killer moves to a Govinda song. You really don\u2019t get to see that every day. After watching that, we definitely need Jibran for president!<\/p>\n
Then came the Wedding of Endless Events: #Aineeb\u2019s wedding, which sounded like a third person named Aineeb was getting married. I think someone might want to check if there are any more events left, like \u2018The First Time He Took Me To Dinner\u2019 event.<\/p>\n
Then, Amir Liaquat jumped on the bandwagon but he didn\u2019t have too many events because the Second Time Round a person doesn\u2019t make the mistake of spending too much on their wedding. But Liaquat definitely made the most of post-wedding public appearances on TV morning shows. And who better to cash in on that than morning shows. The highlight of his marriage has been his wife calling him (pyar se) \u2018Panther\u2019 \u2026 after which the jungle kingdom started a protest. Yeah, you might want to take consent from the animal before you start calling your significant other after it.<\/p>\n
How can we not include the Bollywood\u2013Hollywood milan courtesy Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, where people made beautiful memes of Priyanka\u2019s dress looking like pencil shavings. I haven\u2019t watched Game of Thrones so I don\u2019t know any Sophie Turner jokes. Sorry if I\u2019m missing out on that.<\/p>\n
Then came the Grand Ambani wedding where we saw what \u2018Paisa phaink tamasha dekh\u2019 literally means. Beyonce was flown down to India to perform at the wedding. I guess that was the best present for all the bride\u2019s single friends; they could shake to \u2018Single Ladies\u2019 and not feel like they\u2019re missing out on getting hitched this year. It was a celebrity-packed wedding, where we saw Salman Khan and Ranbir Kapoor not in the limelight but just down to background dancers, and where Aishwariya Rai and Aamir Khan served food. Seeing all this, I guess they booked Imran Hashmi for the wedding night just to fill up the background.<\/p>\n
But the year is about to end and, with it, so is the wedding season. Can\u2019t wait for the next wedding season \u2014 because who doesn\u2019t love dressing up, dancing to Bollywood songs and eating free food! And, oh, stalking celebrities\u2019 wedding photos.<\/p>\n
FREE AT LAST<\/h2>\n
For the first time in our history, we are witnessing the blessed and festive days of December bring this year to a close. With the last vestiges of 2018 becoming vapour as a result of the warmth generated by the unprecedented levels of goodwill, bonhomie and camaraderie permeating our entire nation, we bow in gratitude to those whose sagacity and wisdom have brought us to this magnificent pass (once again).<\/p>\n
This national euphoria is making its presence felt in a myriad ways, chief among them being the total, utter and complete freedom to express one\u2019s opinion. Citizens, especially those belonging to the print, electronic and social media, can\u2019t believe their luck. Journalists have never felt this free and liberated. In fact, many have felt so free that they have gone and involuntarily liberated themselves from their jobs, columns, television shows and Twitter accounts. Chants of \u201cFree at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!\u201d have been ringing ceaselessly from press clubs across our glorious republic.<\/p>\n
I, for one, can\u2019t breathe with excitement. Gone are the days when one would think twice \u2014 or even three or four times \u2014 before running a potential story idea by one\u2019s editor to gauge their feedback and approval. Fortunately, we now live in a different world. The strength and confidence true freedom gives one is indescribable. There is no stopping me now when I consider story ideas that have a profound and lasting impact on the political and social fabric of our society\u2026 ideas which demand answers to deep, important, even searing questions, such as:<\/p>\n
\u2022 What do state-owned buffaloes think of being auctioned?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How does owning a green Samsung phone cover impact the social lives of women named Zubaida Bano?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How many Anjums does it take to change a light bulb?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do some people from South Waziristan shun mainstream media because they are Amish? Or does the mainstream media shun them because it is Amish?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Is the light of speed brighter than the sound of silence?<\/p>\n
\u2022 When will braided beards become a trend among Generation Xers?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do the wealthy and powerful have a conscience? And if so, what planet do they keep it on?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Why are red M&Ms better than all other M&Ms?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Why must we look both ways before going to bed?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Who do you think stole your lunch money in grade 4?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Does the establishment know you are rebelling against it when you wear loud, multi-coloured socks?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How much sohan halwa does your expatriate khala buy when the rupee is unexpectedly devalued?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What would it take to get Supreme Court advocates to wear red pants in court?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How many cups of water does it take to fill up a dam?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Can auctioned, second-hand cars be turned into universities?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Is it true that 75 percent of female penguins in Antartica are addicted to ice?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How many calories does positive reporting burn in a day?<\/p>\n
The significance of these (and other such) stories will become clear in the coming new year. One\u2019s free, completely unencumbered, liberty-laden shall dance with glee and speak with abandon of everything one\u2019s mortal heart desires. From braided beards and light of speed to Amish Waziristanis and cups of dam, 2019 appears a year that is destined to set our media free and rid it of the unnecessary accoutrements of credibility, import and veracity. Inshallah!<\/p>\n
To quote from hazrat George Michael\u2019s 1990 hit single\u00a0Freedom<\/em>:<\/p>\n \u201cAll we have to do now, us take these lies and make them true somehow.\u201d<\/p>\n Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. Journalists have never felt this free and liberated. In fact, many have felt so free that they have gone and involuntarily liberated themselves from their jobs, columns, television shows and Twitter accounts. Chants of \u201cFree at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!\u201d have been ringing ceaselessly from press clubs across our glorious republic.<\/em><\/p>\n Anti-establishment journalism isn\u2019t what it used to be. You would have noticed the whining of the anti-establishment journalists\/activists about censorship and jobs, etc. The whole revolutionary glamour associated with going against establishment is rapidly diminishing. Also, many have stopped drinking to slow ageing. Now even the anti-establishment types want to live longer, look younger, make more money and have a secure life. I have started to suspect that it\u2019s so much easier to just become pro-establishment instead of treading this thin line. This, then, is my first attempt at positive reporting: a round-up of 2018 news.<\/p>\n We got to know this year that 75 percent of female students of schools in Islamabad are addicted to ice. This is such great news because ever since Breaking Bad, the Lyari-maarka adulterated crystal meth called sheesha was selling for 3000 rupees a gram. So, many students affording that or more means our per capita income isn\u2019t as bad as some would make us believe. Also, the fact put paid to the gender discrimination nonsense because in comparison a paltry 45 percent of boys are using the drug.<\/p>\n This year also brought the anti-establishment and pro-establishment forces to the same page over anything. While, the two groups have traditionally struggled to agree on what kind of a state we want to be, with what sort of relations with which country, there\u2019s finally agreement over the need to be united against the Higher Education Commission, since it took so long to attest young Mazari\u2019s degrees, upsetting mother and daughter alike.<\/p>\n While ICC is well within its right to go after users of performance enhancing drugs, it always puzzled the more sensitive souls what its beef was with recreational drugs. At most it should concern a country\u2019s board if a player is underperforming because of drugs. I too was of this view, but 2018 proved how wrong I was when Ahmed Shehzad got caught in a random dope test and remained banned throughout the year.<\/p>\n This year was a godsend for op-ed editors of the country. The censorship and positive reporting thing worked for them like a charm. All the boring op-ed pieces which they couldn\u2019t refuse, because either they were by \u2018senior\u2019 journalists or sons thereof, now are respectfuly told their piece can\u2019t be published because of its explosive content. Later, when it gets published on some website with a note that this couldn\u2019t make it to the newspaper because of draconian censorship, it works beautifully for all parties: the writer, by massaging his ego, and the reader who gets to know in advance that the piece is a dud.<\/p>\n The WWE wrestlers not only visited Pakistan twice this year but also went to the Wagah border once and chanted \u2018Pakistan zindabad\u2019 along with the passionate crowd. Some of them allegedly also hurled abuses at the Indian soldiers. This was a resounding slap on the face of people who thought we were facing isolation in the world.<\/p>\n After the acrimonious general elections, and the bad taste in the mouth of many when the party head of the (now) opposition party was incarcerated, the ruling party and opposition displayed great sportsmanship by supporting each other when a minority member of parliament attempted to table a bill to ban liquor across-the-board since no religion (including his own) permitted consumption of alcohol. The ruling and the opposition parties, in a beautiful and bipartisan display of tolerance for minority religions, voted the bill down without debate.<\/p>\n Earlier this year, when the dollar price hiked in the previous government\u2019s term, Miftah Ismil, the then finance minister, had said that it would help our export. It\u2019s heartening to see that the Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf, after coming into power, is continuing with the better policies of the last government.<\/p>\n This was a particularly good year in many other respects too. Sadly, the word limit doesn\u2019t allow me to go any further. Can\u2019t wait for 2019.<\/p>\n The writer is a singer\/songwriter, journalist and a documentary-maker.<\/em> Hi, how are you? I\u2019m doing well too. Should we start, or would you like some water? Okay then.<\/p>\n So I\u2019m sure you heard that earlier this year a very famous musician was accused of sexual harassment. It was very damaging to his career, the poor guy is doing Mobilink ads now, I feel so bad for him.<\/p>\n Then a teacher was accused. Then an artist. Then another teacher. Then a women\u2019s hockey team coach. Last year it was a cricket selector. You get the idea. Women are calling out every man they meet for harassment.<\/p>\n Now I\u2019m not a misogynist but, if this goes on unchecked, there will be no men left to work with. All men cannot possibly be sexual harassers. Certainly not me. I\u2019ve never harassed a woman. I don\u2019t even know how to spell the word.<\/p>\n I have so many female friends. They\u2019ve never said anything.<\/p>\n Who said that? On what group? Well that\u2019s not right. I am very cordial with them. And I don\u2019t know about everyone else, but my mother is a woman too. As is my sister. As are my colleagues.<\/p>\n So? I have a crush on a colleague, yes. No, I just follow her on Twitter. And Instagram. And Facebook. Wait, not Facebook. She never accepted my friend request. I wonder why. She probably doesn\u2019t log in very often.<\/p>\n Er, the what the who now? It\u2019s because I make her uncomfortable? What are you talking about. Did she tell you this? What else?<\/p>\n I sit too close to her in meetings? I\u2019m always right behind her waiting for the coffee machine? But it\u2019s because there\u2019s a very small area at the office. Often you have to squeeze past someone.<\/p>\n This personal space idea is such a hipster obsession. When I was growing up, anyone could sit wherever they wanted. Well no, they couldn\u2019t sit ON someone. How is that relevant? Look if you\u2019re there to make money you should be professional about these things. It\u2019s like they say, naukeri ki tou nakhra kya.<\/p>\n Haha, what! I\u2019m always asking to share her lipstick-laden cigrattes? Well, sometimes, but I always forget my pack at home. Is that a crime now?<\/p>\n You should read some of the other opinions too not just feminists\u2019. Many of our public intellectuals have noted how confusing sexual harassment can be. Like Hamza Ali Abbasi. He tweeted to ask isn\u2019t this the same thing as flirting? After all where does one draw the line? What was that, on the woman in question? So very funny. Not.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t you see how it\u2019s confusing. You have a few drinks, are relaxing on the sofa and suddenly find yourself in the neighbour\u2019s house grabbing someone\u2019s something or the other. It happens.<\/p>\n It\u2019s all harmless, isn\u2019t it? A friendly caress, a few whispered words of appreciation. Other than subjecting someone to bad breath, where\u2019s the harm in that?<\/p>\n If I see someone who\u2019s dressed a certain way I know she\u2019s out to have fun and flirt a little. It\u2019s just casual. That\u2019s why I always end up asking her if she sees us having kids together.<\/p>\n And who\u2019s to say she doesn\u2019t enjoy the attention? Certainly not the woman herself. What would she know, she\u2019s not a man. I think. I hope.<\/p>\n Next thing you know, you\u2019ll be telling me it\u2019s not okay to comment on her dress at the work place. Or ask her to wear black nailpolish, because it suits her. To tell her to dress more feminine. Make her stay at work late to chit chat. Insist she sit next to me in the car, discussing how feminists are ruining society these days.<\/p>\n These women who want to be equal with men but can\u2019t take the stress that comes with it. Sitting behind a desk all day ordering tea, then complaining about how bad it\u2019s made then send a man to go get some biscuits. The worst days are when I have to sign things without reading them.<\/p>\n Also … oh, sorry, was that my hand on your knee. The chair is just so deceptively close to me. I\u2019ll sit back down instead of hovering over it. By the way, you should come to my dinner next week. You won\u2019t need to bring anyone along, you know most of the people there.<\/p>\n Flirting is healthy, isn\u2019t it? Well, no, not that kind of healthy. You can\u2019t lose weight by flirting.<\/p>\n You know what I mean, you meet a lady and she\u2019s super attractive and she comes close to greet you and you let your hand linger on her back for a few minutes. Even when she walks into another room. Any room. Other than the restroom. I\u2019m not a pervert.<\/p>\n Basically, women should have thicker skins. No, not like a labourer\u2019s hands. Then you lose your feminity…femininty … am I saying this right? Anyway, smooth and supple skin but thick on the inside. I know there\u2019s no skin on the inside. I\u2019m trying to make a point here.<\/p>\n Would I be okay with my sister flirting with someone? Well, no, but that\u2019s different. I would worry that she meets the wrong kind of guy. Like me? Oh, come on, I\u2019m a perfect gentleman. Oh, sorry, there\u2019s the hand again.<\/p>\n Do you think men should start a #MeToo as well? Like the ones who are unjustly accused?<\/p>\n You do??? Oh, you mean for the men who HAVE harassed a woman. Like: I did it. Me too.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve gotten through to you at all. Say why don\u2019t you drop by the house later tonight and we can discuss it over some wine? Sound good? Hello, why are you walking away? Does this mean a no?<\/p>\n Okay, we\u2019ll forget the wine and just watch some movies. I wonder what\u2019s gotten into her. She\u2019s the best therapist I\u2019ve had. It\u2019s her own office she\u2019s walking out of.<\/p>\n
\nHe tweets\u00a0@faridalvie<\/p>\nPositive Reporting<\/h2>\n
\nHe runs the vlog \u2018Ali Uncensored\u2018 on YouTube<\/em><\/p>\n#Men Too<\/h2>\n